what i'll most likely get if i make the move which i've NEVER had in this state.

i went with fredrick to get my nails done about 2 hrs ago. i'm having a meeting with amy tomorrow about the services i currently get here that need to be switched over to massachusetts. i hope she actually shows up tomorrow. i don't know why my mom seems to think that she has any influence on where i live. she didn't care the rest of my life- in fact, i didn't even live with her probably from the time i was 13-16 years old- i was at my grandparents' house (after that, i had to live in a medical foster home in buffalo, mn for the junior year of high school when i was coming out of my coma and gaining strength). sure.. she took care of me when i was in the senior year of high school but that's because my grandma made her. i remember hearing her whine to my grandma on the weekends when she wanted to go out to the bar to play pool with her little boyfriend carlos about having to stay with me instead of going out to the bar. THAT is how concerned she is about me.. your daughter is injured in a car accident and comatose for 6 months- left in a wheelchair because i wasn't strong enough to walk for at least 15 years because my family enjoyed getting sympathy for having a relative in a wheelchair and they could lie and say how much they "cared" for me and when i finally get strong enough to live independently- she all of a sudden thinks it makes a difference that we're "family". so i'm almost positive she whines to my grandma's friends and the family members who will actually listen to her lying about how she misses me or i'm not sure wtf this asshole lies about. YOU HELD ME IN FRONT OF MY DAD AS A SHIELD AS HE KICKED YOU TO BLOCK HIM FROM KICKING YOU WHILE YOU TWO WERE FIGHTING. YOU EXPECT ME TO STAY HERE AND THROW EVERYTHING I'VE WORKED MY ASS OFF TO GET JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO MUCH OF A DAMN LOSER TO ACTUALLY MAKE A DAMN LIFE OF YOUR OWN TO BE PROUD OF?! I DON'T THINK SO. I KNOW YOU HELD ME IN FRONT OF MY DAD BECAUSE I DISTINCTLY REMEMBER GRANDMA MENTIONING HOW YOU WERE HOLDING ME WHILE MY DAD KICKED YOU AND YOU TURNED TO GET AWAY WHEN I HAD THE FIRST SURGERY ON A PERFORRATED BOWEL.. HM- MY REMINSCING DREAMS SEEM TO REMEMBER THINGS A BIT DIFFERENTLY. THE FIRST DREAM I HAD REMINSCING THIS SHITTY PARENTING WAS IN THE HOSPITAL LAST TIME I WAS THERE HAVING SURGERY ON MY BOWEL FOR THE SECOND TIME IN MY LIFE. IN THE DREAM- YOU WERE HOLDING ME WHEN MY DAD WAS PISSED OFF AND HITTING YOU, THEN YOU TRIED TO TELL HIM THAT YOU DIDN'T WANT HIM TO ACT SO WILD WHILE I WAS THERE AND YOU HELD ME UP IN FRONT OF YOU (TO SHOW HIM WHY HE SHOULD SETTLE DOWN) AND PUT ME IN FRONT OF YOU WHILE HE KICKED YOU. ANY OTHER PARENT WHO ACTUALLY CARED ABOUT THEIR CHILDREN, WOULD'VE DONE EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO GET THEIR CHILD AWAY FROM AN ANGRY, VIOLENT PERSON.. EVEN IF IT WAS THEIR FATHER. MY MOM? no.. that's too much work for her narcissistic ass. then she couldn't get attention and sympathy! she's always had something against my brother and i.. i'm not sure if it's because we have the same dads and in spite of our dad. she stole a bunch of money from my brother when i was like 15.. i think he was 13 then. it's pretty fucking sad and pathetic to steal from your OWN child. whenever my brother, sister, and i would have fights- she'd always favor my younger sister (now i realize it's because we have different dads). besides having NOTHING to remain in this state for.. getting OUT of my apartment also seems to be a difficult task for me and since i've basically been told not to drive because my cognitive abilities were affected by the car accident i was in when i was SIXTEEN. "you can take lyft!"- well genius, lyft typically takes AT LEAST TWENTY MINUTES to show up for a ride (and that's on a good day). I'M ALWAYS LATE FOR MY APPOINTMENTS. i can't even get to sabathani to volunteer ON TIME half the damn time and i always leave at least 25 minutes earlier than i gotta be there. at least when i'm in massachusetts- they have a GOOD TRANSPORTATION SYSTEM and a lot of people take it, so i shouldn't have a problem trying to get around. CAN MINNESOTA SAY THAT, AMANDA? DO YOU KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE? YOUR UNEMPATHETIC ASS DOESN'T KNOW OR CARE. OH BUT I'M TOO STUPID TO THINK OF THAT BECAUSE OF MY TBI!! RIGHT AMANDA? IF IT'S NOT YOUR PERSONAL PROBLEM- YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT. MY GRANDMA WAS SO WRONG ABOUT YOU. AS LONG AS IT MAKES YOU LOOK "GOOD" OR "SUPPORTIVE" AND "CARING"- NO ONE SEES HOW INVOLVED YOU ARE WITH TRULY CARING ABOUT ME! SO WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT ME AND WHAT I WANT FOR MY LIFE! I'M MENTALLY HANDICAPPED WITH A TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY TO YOU- SO THERE'S NO WAY I'M CAPABLE OF ACTUALLY LIVING LIFE THE WAY I WANT! as long as i waste more of my fucking time at courage kenny, going on machines that even my living room wall could operate when it DOESN'T help me with shit (after at least a year or two doing the same shit- i made courage kenny just walk with me up and down the hallway when i was there since they wouldn't do anything else to TRULY help me since i didn't have advocacy to stroke their dicks). proof of how hard i've worked SHOULD be based on how little support i've received from my sad excuse of "advocacy" and how i don't call amanda and/or her mom all the damn time whining for help and/or attention (partially because i realize after calling amanda and not getting calls back- I'M JUST A BURDEN ON HER and i don't like forcing my place in the lives of people who don't give a shit in the first place). SO.. "YOU GOT THIS!" and YES i DO.. so fuck the hell off mom. go try to make yourself look like a "caring" parent in your other daughter's life since you like and respect her more. stop trying to get attention for showing false care for me when i don't even remember the last time i seen you and you couldn't even call me in the hospital during my last surgery that i'm convinced YOU were responsible for after the dreams i had (i think it was God's way of explaining to me why i was in the situation that i was in because they coincidentally came up during the time i was in the hospital having surgery on a blocked bowel). that's why you have dogs anyway.. go tell them where they can and can't live. unless they're all dead- but i'm sure you'd get another one right away, so erase that possibility. go play checkers with amy or play with your damn dogs instead of acting like you care about me for attention.